– calling the emergency services, in the not too distant future

(part one of an infinite series)

When dialling the new national emergency services number: 666 you will hear the following announcement:

# WELCOME TO THE AMAZON PERSONAL ASSISTANCE LINE.  ALL OUR OPERATORS ARE BUSY AT THE MOMENT, PLEASE HOLD AND YOUR CALL WILL BE DEALT WITH AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, YOU ARE NUMBER ___ IN THE QUEUE.  BE ASSURED THAT AMAZON IS DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO ENSURE ITS CUSTOMERS GET WHAT THEY DESERVE.

When the music stops you will be asked:

# PRESS (1) IF YOU ARE A PRIME CUSTOMER

# PRESS (2) IF YOU ARE JUST AN ORDINARY AMAZON CUSTOMER

# PRESS (3) IF NEITHER.

Then if you have answered with option (1):

# ENTER YOUR USER NAME

# ENTER YOUR PASSWORD

# SHOW YOU ARE NOT A ROBOT BY IDENTIFYING WHICH OF THESE PHOTOGRAPHS CONTAINS A ROAD SIGN?

And if all of the above is correct:

# WELCOME ______ _______ TO THE AMAZON PERSONAL ASSISTANCE LINE.   PLEASE BE AWARE THAT ANY CHOICES YOU MAKE COULD INCUR COSTS WHICH WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE DEBITED FROM YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.  INSUFFICIENT FUNDS WILL AUTOMATICALLY TERMINATE THE SERVICE.

# PRESS (1) FOR MEDICAL HELP

# PRESS (2) FOR THE POLICE

# PRESS (3) FOR THE FIRE BRIGADE

# PRESS (4) FOR THE COASTGUARD

# PRESS (5) FOR VEHICLE BREAKDOWN & RECOVERY

# PRESS (6) FOR INSURANCE CLAIMS

If you answered with option (1), choose from:

# PRESS (1) IF DEATH IS AN IMMINENT POSSIBILITY

# PRESS (2) IF SEVERLY INCAPACITATED

# PRESS (3) FOR A DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT

If you answered with option (1), choose from:

# PRESS (1) IF THIS IS A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION

# PRESS (2) A NEW MEDICAL COMPLAINT

# PRESS (3) AN ACCIDENT

# PRESS (4) AN ASSAULT

If you answered with option (1):

# WHICH PART OF THE BODY IS INVOLVED?

# PRESS (1) FOR THE TRUNK

# PRESS (2) FOR THE HEAD

# PRESS (3) FOR THE ARMS

# PRESS (4) FOR THE LEGS

# PRESS (5) FOR OTHER

If you answered with option (1):

# WHICH PART?

# PRESS (1) FOR THE HEART

# PRESS (2) LUNGS

# PRESS (3) STOMACH

# PRESS (4) KIDNEYS

# PRESS (5) GONADS

# PRESS (6) OTHER

If you answered with option (1), choose from:

# PRESS (1) FOR NO PULSE, NO BREATHING

# PRESS (2) IF YOU HAVE PAIN

# PRESS (3) PALPITATIONS

# PRESS (4) DIFFICULTY BREATHING

# PRESS (5) BLUE LIPS

If you answered with option (1):

# USE THIS LINK TO WATCH OUR VIDEO AND COMMENCE CPR.  IF SYMPTOMS CONTINUE FOR MORE THAN THREE MINUTES STOP, HANG UP, RE-DIAL 666, AND WHEN ASKED WHICH SERVICE YOUR REQUIRE, CHOOSE OPTION (2).

# OTHER CUSTOMERS WHO CHOSE THIS OPTION RECOMMENDED THE FOLLOWING FUNERAL AND BEREAVEMENT PRODUCTS.

# THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE AMAZON PERSONAL ASSISTANCE LINE.  IN ORDER TO OFFER THE VERY BEST SERVICE WE ASK THAT YOU SPEND A FEW MINUTES COMPLETING A SHORT SURVEY.  REMEMBER, AT AMAZON WE ALWAYS STRIVE TO SERVE YOU RIGHT.